MELANIE LEE CAREY
Clergy Assistant to the Bishop
I lost both of my parents by the time I was 40 years old.
My father died in 2000 during the week that I was moving from one appointment to another. My mother died in 2005 just before Christmas. I am the oldest of my four siblings and each of us grieved the loss of our parents in different ways. After our father died, my sister and I got into an argument about something, (I can’t remember what it was now) and I ended up speaking words that made my sister so angry that she punched me in the arm!
It was several years later before we could talk about that moment, but when we did, my sister said “I don’t deal well with death!” She went on to tell me that she punched me because she was really angry that our dad died, and that it was like grief had taken over her mind and heart, making her do things she wouldn’t normally do. I also admitted to her that I can be the “bossy” older sister and that my actions, no doubt, also contributed to that moment of hurt between us. We both agreed that grief had “gotten the better of us” and we found a way to forgive one another and understand that we both just missed the physical presence of our dad.
Most of the time we think of loss and grief only in relation to death and this is the most intense form of the experience. Yet, anytime we lose something that is of value to us, the feelings we experience are feelings of loss or grief.
We experience loss and grief when we lose a job, when a relationship ends or changes, when we or someone we care about moves to another city. We experience loss and grief when expectations we had for something or someone don’t turn out as we had hoped. We experience loss and grief as we grow older and our bodies change. We experience loss and grief when we hear of terror attacks in Paris, Beirut, Iraq, Syria and Kenya. We also experience loss and grief in the church as we face the decline in mainline protestant denominations in the United States and the inevitable changes that our new reality is bringing to our institution.
Change, even good change or longed for change, brings along with it, loss and feelings of grief. While Michigan United Methodists overwhelmingly voted to form one new conference in our state, the formation of this new conference means the loss of the way things have been, even as we look forward to the new conference and all that will mean.
We have been so blessed during the past four years by Bishop Deb’s leadership! She has brought us together and helped us to heal past hurts. Her joy filled spirit, her deep listening and caring ways, have brought so much to all of us. And now she has shared with us that she will be retiring in September of 2016. We understand her reasons and very much want her to have a good retirement. And yet, we also feel a sense of loss and grief at not having her continue beyond September 1, 2016 as the Bishop assigned to us.
The truth is that this is a time of great change in the church, in our world, and in the Michigan Area. A new conference, a new bishop, and General Conference meeting in 2016 as well! It is important for us to remember that change brings with it loss and feelings of grief. And like my sister and I, sometimes when we are grieving, we say things we don’t really mean and we act in ways that hurt each other. For this reason, it is so important for us to be gentle with one another and for us to extend extra grace to and with one another. We might also strongly consider “mindful emailing” and “mindful social media posts”. I recently heard about this practice of mindful emailing on an NPR podcast that I listen to as I drive to the office. I recommend the technique to you for times of grief, or stress! I also invite you to consider this process as you post things on social media.
“… it is so important for us to be gentle with one another and for us to extend extra grace to and with one another.”
Part of a healthy grieving process is to recognize and then name our losses. We do this because in the naming of them, we can begin to acknowledge the truth of our feelings and understand ourselves and our reactions and actions around our feelings. It is natural and normal to feel grief and all the emotions that go with it, particularly anger and denial and deep sadness. Like what happened with me and my sister, when we understand and name the emotions of grief, we are able to forgive each and heal as we face the loss together.
The other part of a healthy grieving is to remember our faith. Over and over again, throughout The Scriptures and in the life of the church we see signs and evidence of God’s faithfulness and steadfast love. God delivers us from all kinds of distress, and pain and has done so throughout history. God loves us and God’s divine love will always triumph. God has not failed us yet! Just as we need to acknowledge and name our losses, we also need to spend time naming God’s faithfulness and saving actions of grace. God’s truth is found, not in a stress free life, but in the power of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. Nothing can separate us from God’s love! God is faithful and God’s faithfulness endures forever.
In the coming months as we live into a new conference, a new place for annual conference and saying farewell to a bishop and welcoming someone new, may we be gentle with one another and remember that grief is a normal part of the process of transition from one thing to another. As John Wesley said “ And best of all God is with us!”
Last Updated on December 29, 2022